easy sterilization for 45 dollars and some medical insurance… sometimes i
feel a million selves suddenly collapsing into me, the energy surging
spirits of courage and confidence to aid a prayer and apology, and hope
reinforcing the ultimate positive influence over this my first surgical
anything… i feel like there are too many multiplications of people, and
the trauma of intelligence is seeing this explosion in action worldwide
like a spastic virus overturning and exploiting primal intelligence, it
disgusts me to no end the degree of ignorance lying at the heart of the
popular vote… call it my sacrifice for a fresh future, the genie lamp
granting me a barter instead, and my dreams come true nearer than later…
at my discretion, i give of myself for it is my body, and the
bio-hazard blessed by gods unreal in the burned trash mess….and then no
sexual intercourse for a week as the scrotum recovers black and blue and
bloody, i suppose… no one will ever meet my child unless it is adopted,
i am turning inside out as they emotions rally, or maybe that voice is
just the overactive imagination eating my brains again… it still hits me
like a cold, crawling spider….that chill glides up my spine, glaring
inside my soul at that freak ego that feels freaked out by thinking too
much about the surgery, and only a week left yet to feel/ know the
results… i hope i at least get some decent pain medication, a serious
meditation either way over effects of my life on the rest of the world,
and what i really want to do with myself before the neutered man dies…
sometimes the bug just feels trapped in a jar, with all the world
outside of this imaginary bubble formed out of the personal gravity of
the individual as it bends and warps space/ time around each one of us…
middle age equals the plateau for most of us perhaps, but i wonder just
what fiction we are imbibing from that glues us to these unimportant
displays of dominance, waging battles for nothing over nothing with
everything at the stake burning… the masculine distance matched by the
feminine reach for contact… there is no heritage, it is merely another
major anchor holding us to this plane, another exaggerated mythic
operating system used to conjoin people… i guess i should at least be
glad i won’t become eunuch, and 60 percent recovery of semen if
“reattached” within seven years, which one surgery seems enough when
considering your own body as meat let alone two surgeries…
